Many of my posts center around my children and I guess that may be because they are such an important part of my life. These past few weeks have been a bit of a
The last time I had a 10 year old I was 34. At 51, I am not sure if I don't remember having similar challenges, If I am just wiser, or a combination of or neither of the two.
The dynamics are a bit different in that I am obsessed that my adopted 10 yr old gets every opportunity that my two birth children had. There are obvious differences in our race but other than that there is no difference in my love for him.
That said I have been hypersensitive to his behaviors. Before you get the wrong impression, Cameron is a good boy, a loving kind hearted boy however he is 10!, and a boy.
Why do I worry so much about who he will become? Did I worry that much about my other children and their futures? What has happened is that I am so obsessed with his future that I am losing the now.
When we live with the urgency to take control of people and situations with a demand of "How things should be" we are not present in the moment. When we worry about improving others we cannot enjoy what we are in the midst of. Chaos and disappointments are a part of life, learning how to live well in the middle of that is the extravagant love I am striving for.
I don't want to control Cameron's life, and though at times it may seem I am and maybe in fact I am, how do you separate control from teaching? How do I allow him to make a decision that may not be in his best interest if I can help him avoid that? How do I teach him Grace and forgiveness while I am instructing him as to what friends he should be with. Is he too young to make the right choices?
I love his spirit, I love his sense of humor. I do not want to crush his individuality I just have this extreme desire to
He isn't sending me any danger signals, he is still my loving little boy, but he needs me less, he is becoming more of an independent thinker, (a good thing).
He is making choices that he isn't wise enough to make yet.
The message here is it is me! I have this need to see into his future and know all will be well. Is it because he is black and we are not? Is it because I love him so fiercely and can't control his future? I know he faces differences my birth children did not have to and I can't protect him from that.
I know that God meets us in our every need and he wraps his arms around our neediness every time and it will be no different in this journey.
In the words of 17th century poet George Herbert;
And here in dust and dirt, O here,
The lilies of His love appear.
In weakness we find strength and and when we surrender it to Him Peace blossoms
An illustration I once read went something like this;
God holds each of us by a string, when we fail, we cut the string, then God ties it up again , making a knot therefore we are closer to Him. Again and again we fail and we cut the string, and with each additional knot God brings us closer to Him.
I think in a way as parents we do the same thing. When our children make mistakes we pick them up and bring them closer to us however we use it as a teaching moment (not a bad thing) hashing it out,explaining what could have been done differently, and God he just ties the knot and draws us to Him, loves us even if we have dozens of knots in our string.
I think I will stop counting the knots and tie a little tighter!
1 comment:
I can't say that it is all worry. The fact is, time is drawing nearer that his independance will be getting wider,growing in all that you have taught him and he has learned through God also. Sometimes we have to let go so God can grow us in the way He wants us to be. You'll still be near when he calls your name...MOM, ready to give advise, and he will make the choice.
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