Let God write your Blueprints

Blue Print- A plan or guide: A plan of action or a guide to doing something.
 
How often is it that we try to write our own life's blueprint?  For me I do it on a daily basis.  I write it, yet when it doesn't work out I don't always own the responsibility.  Time and again, when the truth is revealed we are surprised at how much better HIS plan for us is.

We have been planning a hiking trip to the UP for several months with a group of hikers from our church.  I have been looking forward to this trip so much, so when I started a new job I was very disappointed that I was not able to get the time off work.  The visions I had on how I would efficiently prepare my pack suddenly were empty.  The excitement I had over nurturing current friendships and building new ones was suddenly deflated.  My desires to see some amazing new scenery that God provided for us was soon replaced with sadness.

However God didn't forget what was important to me.  10 days before my supposed trip, my son and daughter in law called to remind me they would be flying to Maryland for his 10th year reunion at the US Naval Academy in Annapolis.  "We would really like you to come this weekend".  I quickly thought about how I could make this work, knowing my husband was still going on the hiking trip.  I hung up and took action.  Lined up a dog sitter.  Arranged to work my 40 hours in and be able to leave work early Friday to drive the 6.5 hour drive.  My spirits were lifted and though I still wished for the hiking trip I had   been given an opportunity for a visit with my son and his family.  Not something often done with them living in California.

I entered the weekend with no other expectations than to enjoy time spent, and to love on my 7 month old grandson.  Again I underestimated God's plan for me.

Arriving Friday night I met my son and family at a luau being held for his reunion.  Uneventful.  Saturday we went to the Academy and walked the grounds, allowing my son to walk the yard now as a ranked officer and not a midshipman.  We shared memories of the struggles, and joys while being a student at the Academy.  As parents I think we are always amazed at the adult transformation that takes place in our children.  At 32 I still see them in my son.  God gives me glimpses and I take each one to heart.

One such moment- He and I walked into Memorial hall,  a beautiful are where Midshipman who have lost their lives since the beginning of the Academy's history in 1845 are honored.  A solemn place that  commands respect.  We walked to the class of 2003 where 2 of his fellow Midshipman were listed, he lifted his Alumni badge and placed it over their names and said "class of 2003- baby"  my eyes filled up at the tender moment he shared for them.

We walked to the football stadium where he attended a tailgating party for his class and then we attended the game together.  Attending a Navy football game is not like an ordinary game.  The patriotic environment is moving.  Seeing the entire Midshipman in their white uniforms sitting together as one.  Watching all the Plebes (freshman) together go to the end of the field with each touchdown and do push-ups to the sum of the current score.  I think this may have solidified Cameron's decision not to attend the academy .

Sunday we arrived at the beautiful chapel at the Academy, and this is why I think God sent me this weekend.

We slipped in towards the back.  During the morning greeting the couple who sat in front of us turned to greet us. Striking up a quick conversation they learned that Mike was from the class of 2003.  They said their son was as well, and then they said but he didn't graduate.  During his Junior year he and his parents went to a Christian camp in the redwood forest.  While they were driving home they were struck by a drunk driver and he was killed. They turned around as the service continued and my heart was heavy for them.  I sat next to my son and his family and could not imagine the devastation of losing him.

During the service we sang Amazing Grace and I watched the tears roll down the fathers face.  At the completion of the service as is every Sunday we sang the Naval Hymn.  I watched the young man's father close his eyes and take a deep breath as the last line was sung "for those at Peril on the sea", his yes closed and his cheeks wet with tears, I wanted to reach out to him.

At the conclusion they immediately turned around and shared more of their story.  The woman looked at my grandson Alden with longing in her eyes.  I know she wondered if he own son might be a dad now.  She reached out her arms and asked if she could hold him.  They talked to my son and I felt like they were thirsty for a connection to their son.  To our amazement they shared they only lived an hour from them in California.  They immediately shared their contact information longing for, I am sure any relationship that connects them to the life their son lived.  I don't share my children with just anyone but if this helped ease their shattered heart a bit I will share abundantly.  This can only be a God planned unity.

As we walked out of the church and said our goodbyes, the mother reached out to embrace me.  We went our separate ways, me with my family intact to enjoy the rest of the day and them, they were going to the cemetery on the grounds to visit their son.  I came to the reunion to visit my son, they came to honor theirs.

I may not have hiked the trails of the UP.  I did not see the beautiful vistas ,but watching my son and the way he stood during the National Anthem, and then the singing of his Alma Mater.  That's a vision I am glad God wrote into my weekend blueprint.

Are you your childs friend?

I think I represent what most parents, at one time or another feel about being a friend to their child.  The initial thought is that friend is such an endearing term and I want my child to really like me!  For me this thought lasted a nano-second. 

Tonight's thoughts are coming from a discussion that I had this evening with my 12 year old.  We are in the infant stages of peer pressure and trying to help him choose wisely with friendships, talking about bullying and identifying for him the characters he thinks should be in a friend.  

I walked away reminded of something that was said to me by a wise older gentleman in a church I attended when my now adult children were very young.  I was a new single mom and he said "The best thing you can do for your children is discipline them when needed, it is not your job to be their best friend".

In the natural order of things, parents and children love each other.  When our children are infants we have the emotional role- we sing to them, touch them, comfort them, and the functional role is feeding them, changing them, keeping them safe and healthy.  The emotional and functional role goes hand in hand.  One without the other is not a healthy balance.

As our children grow older, our role becomes more functional. Coming from someone who embraces motherhood to the fullest this was hard to separate. I have learned that I can still feel the emotions but I have to do more not show more. What I mean is that I can't let my emotions translate into something that conflicts with my function.  As our children age so does our functional role. As a young child or toddler we are likely performing the function, a 7 year old we may be enforcing a homework rule, with a young teen who may be driving we are enforcing those rules and expectations.

The words I write may sound easy but the task is not.  I have to keep myself on tract on a daily basis.  I believe that parents cannot use their children as their confidante.  Putting them on an even playing ground with you makes it more difficult to lead by example. 

If your adult friend shares with you a difficult co-worker that she has to deal with on a daily basis you may offer some suggestions OR you may chime in or agree with her while she express her negative feelings.  If we behaved the same way with our child it could look like this;

"I hate my teacher, we can't even have a water bottle in class" and you say

 "that does stink how would she like to be thirsty and not be able to drink"

Your child is not learning to respect adults or rules, but you can be sure he will feel like you are his friend.  

It is not always easy but it is always better if your child knows that you expect him/her to follow the rule even if we don't agree with it.

When we make our children our friends we are saying that we are both the decision makers.  

My emotions are still important to me and play a role in my responses however many times it is behind a closed door that I express them.  My children have all heard the same thing from me and their teachers have as well.  I will support you if my child is in the wrong and I will support any discipline that is deemed necessary and know that if my child is in the right I will support them.  I am after all still a mother bear. 

All hope is not lost you can be a friend to your child just a responsible one.  Your friend wouldn't let you do something that could cause you harm without warning you, your Friend would tell you if they thought you were heading for trouble,  be that kind of friend, the responsible one.  The model of responsible friendship is identical to the model of responsible parenting.

Don't empower your child by treating him as your confidante. 

That said I am now best friends with my adult children now 32 and 29- at times they are even my confidante.  If I was there best friend when they were growing children they would not be a best friend now.  That would be tragic.  

I am still a mushy mom who loves to love on her kids.  I fiercely protect them, support them and they know each day they are loved but what they know just as much is that I demand respect, and if they are in trouble from their own actions  I am not their best friend, but I am the mom who loves them through it, even if it is tough love.

Thank you God for giving me 3 beautiful children to love, it is only right that I try to do my best with them for you.  I fail often, however I never fail to love them like only a mother, not a friend can do.