Are you my Mother? ( Happy Family day Cameron)

I find it interesting that dates play such an important role in our lives.  We celebrate Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mothers day, Fathers day, Grandparents day and even important milestones.  I know there are symbolic reasons for those celebrations that have simply become traditions.

January 26 is Happy Family day for my son Cameron, a day equally as important as his Birthday.  I say equally important because the world was made so much brighter by his presence but it is actually more important.  Prior to celebrating Family day Cameron was not legally mine.  Yes I brought him home from the hospital at the time of his birth, however it would take over 2 years before he was forever mine.  During those two years there was the possibility that he could be removed from me.  My days were filled with what if’s…..

What if the mother he was removed from was given another chance?

What if she wanted visitation?

What if a family member came forward?

What if this little child who was mine in every other way would be taken from my heart?

The years were filled with hope yes but not without turbulence as well.

A mother who never saw him after birth, still had a say in his life.  Imagine the frustrations when this child , to you , is yours however you need her permission to cut his hair, to get him circumcised, to take him on a trip even out of the county! No that is not a typo I did say County not Country.  I finally fought to get a waiver because imagine living on the county line and you turn left and you are in one county and you turn right and you are in another.

Yes Family day means so much more.  It was a day of emotion and happy tears.  It was a day in court, my little guy dressed in a little tux because this is a BIG deal would leave that room knowing he will FOREVER be mine.  It was a day I couldn’t be prepared for.  A day I promised my love and commitment to raising this child of another race.  Why is that even a statement I would make?  Because the ONLY thing that was addressed was the obvious differences in our skin color.

Are you prepared you teach him about his culture?

Are you prepared as a single Caucasian female to raise an African American boy?  Excuse me did you just ask me that?  Do people come this far NOT realizing they are about to adopt someone who may not look like them?

When you give birth no one walks in the delivery room and questions your capabilities or questions what you have done to prepare for this child.  They are yours and the multiple security measures in place assure you that no one else will leave with your child. Multiple family members and friends comment on how much the baby may look like you.  With adopting outside of your race there is no question this child is adopted.

 With Adoption up until the judge lifts that gavel and declares the adoption final that child does not legally belong to you.  It matters not that the first time you laid eyes on that child they became yours in your heart. 

I have said this before and it likely will sound just as strange to some as it has in the past.  When I look at Cameron I truly do not see that he is a different color than me.  How can that be?  Because when you love a child or love anyone you see their heart, their qualities, who they are not what they look like.  I just see my son. 

I have been Blessed to experience having birth children and an adopted child and while the process is significantly different the end results are identical.  A child who is 100% mine.  A brother to his siblings, a brother in law, Grandson, a nephew, an Uncle.  And most importantly a Son.  He is not just mine he has multiple relationship roles in our family.

So Happy Family days are so much more than a Birthday it is a day that marks “Forever” in the life of a child who was not born into a family, and “forever” into a family that wanted him.

And to Cameron who I know loves his forever family but questions who he looks like.  Yes my little duckling, I am your mother.

Not Flesh of my Flesh nor bone of my bone but still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart but in it.

Diapers to Diplomas

It seems lately that I have been the recipient of overdosed reality checks.  Because of my choice to adopt after my birth children were nearly grown and one already out of the house I realized this week that I have been raising children for 35 continuous years.  That sobering  joyful thought lead my mind to thoughts of what my life now looks like in the lives of these amazing children.  Why did it smack my eyes open?  In a few short weeks that baby boy will be driving! YIKES! , My first grandchild is 5 years old today, and in 2 years my nest will be empty again.  While I WAS a self proclaimed poster girl for empty nest syndrome 15 years ago I can guarantee you won’t find me on that poster again! 

I loved and still love every moment of being a mom.  My life recently came to a huge fork in the road and I had to choose which route to take.  Sometimes the road to get there is filled with rocks and pot holes but when your destination is reached I hope like me you find that you chose the road that your heart desired and found peace. 

As my thoughts were flying all over the place with regards to these reality checks I could not help but smile at the tremendous changes that take place when your children become adults. 

My first born an Officer in the United States Navy exposed me to the Naval Academy and the pride felt each time I visited him there.  It was here his life as an adult child began.  That career has afforded him many wonderful opportunities, likely they are more glamorous through my eyes than his.  That same Career has taken him away from me and sent him to foreign countries.  It has handed us Holidays without him.  It has given me great locations to visit him at.  It has made me honor our country more than I ever had.  This man met his wife and together  has given me two amazing grandsons.  These grandsons have given me glimpses of my past when their daddy was a little boy.

My second born and only daughter grew wings early and took flight spending a year in Germany on a Congressional Scholarship.  This experience was one of the most conflicting I had ever faced.  Thrilled for her and this accomplishment and what it would mean for her and sad to face a year without her.  Upon her return she chose a College out of state and there her life as an adult child began.  It was here she found the love of her life and it was this state( NC) she chose to call home.   She has Blessed me with two beautiful granddaughter’s her first and my first grandchild.

Soon my last little charge will sit behind the wheel of a car and in a couple years he will look around the nest and he too will spread his wings and be gone.  Just like that my nest will be empty again.  The difference is this time I am ready.  I have Peace. His life as an adult child will likely afford me additional firsts.  Our relationship will shift as he becomes more independent.   Who am I kidding he’s a boy and they always need their Mama’s

 I know that being a mother to an adult child offers so much joy as well.  Reaching adulthood does not mean the termination of a loving good relationship with the people who raised their babies from diapers to diplomas.   

Adult children are an extension of you and their children are an extension of them.  Some may say life has come full circle but when I hear that I feel like it denotes and end.  I know there are more experiences, more joys and more life to be added to our life, making our circle continue to grow.  No the circle isn’t closed just yet.

Listen to what I don't have to say.

 

We live in a very “Connected” society and I mean digital connection.  I feel I should attach a disclaimer because I use social media, and text for communication as well.  This post isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with these forms of communication it is about what may be missing. 

Is it convenient?  Yes at times it certainly is.  Is it preferred?  Maybe at times it is.  This is not to make claim that these forms of communication are wrong, I love it, I use it.  However If there is a choice I choose face to face time. 

How many feelings are lost in a text?   How many imagined tones, or thoughts when receiving a text?  I love to talk.  There I said it!  Not so incessantly that people have to say- enough be quiet , but I like to feel my conversations.  I like to observe body language.  I like to hear how something is being said.  How many times do we speak with our eyes?  Now that is TOTALLY lost on a selfie. 

Seriously there is an art in conversing with others. 

Our lives are based on our ability to communicate. The meaning of communication is the response it elicits, not the intention.  The response is not just in the spoken word but oh so much is lost when those words are simply typed and sent.

Breaking down the ingredients of a conversation;

1. The content  - what we have to say, what the conversation is about. Even though the content is the ingredient least paid attention to it is still important.

2. The process - how we choose to say it.  The expressions we use. More than half of the content of a conversation is through nonverbal communication with a good portion being tones.  Again this entire part of a conversation is lost when communication via social media or text.  What happens then is imagined communication begins because we cannot observe expressions, gestures or body language.

3. The timing – Timing greatly influences how we process information in a conversation.  With text and social media much time could pass between communicating and the entire purpose for the conversation could possibly be over before a response is given. 



Most importantly are we talking with each other or at each other?



Conversation is the most natural, effective form of human connection but we are removing the “human form” and replacing it with what at times is convenient, swift, and yes maybe even effective, but at what cost?  I love people.  I like to look in one’s eyes as I talk to them.  I like to see if what I have to say makes them smile or if what I said brings them to tears. 
 

Conversation is an emotional tool we have – it helps us navigate through a discussion yet we are unlearning how to stay in a conversation long enough to learn from it.  I learn a lot by having a conversation with someone face to face.  There are things we can’t learn from hidden conversations, defined as texting. 

Expressing my thoughts on communication does not eliminate me from the population of texters. ( I am sure that is a word).  I still do and will text because there are times it is the only way I am able to communicate with someone at that given time.  I don’t think of it as replacing communication but an addition to. 
 My point is when we are with people …. Talk to those people.  Listen to what I don’t have to say and maybe you will hear what I am saying.