Are you your childs friend?

I think I represent what most parents, at one time or another feel about being a friend to their child.  The initial thought is that friend is such an endearing term and I want my child to really like me!  For me this thought lasted a nano-second. 

Tonight's thoughts are coming from a discussion that I had this evening with my 12 year old.  We are in the infant stages of peer pressure and trying to help him choose wisely with friendships, talking about bullying and identifying for him the characters he thinks should be in a friend.  

I walked away reminded of something that was said to me by a wise older gentleman in a church I attended when my now adult children were very young.  I was a new single mom and he said "The best thing you can do for your children is discipline them when needed, it is not your job to be their best friend".

In the natural order of things, parents and children love each other.  When our children are infants we have the emotional role- we sing to them, touch them, comfort them, and the functional role is feeding them, changing them, keeping them safe and healthy.  The emotional and functional role goes hand in hand.  One without the other is not a healthy balance.

As our children grow older, our role becomes more functional. Coming from someone who embraces motherhood to the fullest this was hard to separate. I have learned that I can still feel the emotions but I have to do more not show more. What I mean is that I can't let my emotions translate into something that conflicts with my function.  As our children age so does our functional role. As a young child or toddler we are likely performing the function, a 7 year old we may be enforcing a homework rule, with a young teen who may be driving we are enforcing those rules and expectations.

The words I write may sound easy but the task is not.  I have to keep myself on tract on a daily basis.  I believe that parents cannot use their children as their confidante.  Putting them on an even playing ground with you makes it more difficult to lead by example. 

If your adult friend shares with you a difficult co-worker that she has to deal with on a daily basis you may offer some suggestions OR you may chime in or agree with her while she express her negative feelings.  If we behaved the same way with our child it could look like this;

"I hate my teacher, we can't even have a water bottle in class" and you say

 "that does stink how would she like to be thirsty and not be able to drink"

Your child is not learning to respect adults or rules, but you can be sure he will feel like you are his friend.  

It is not always easy but it is always better if your child knows that you expect him/her to follow the rule even if we don't agree with it.

When we make our children our friends we are saying that we are both the decision makers.  

My emotions are still important to me and play a role in my responses however many times it is behind a closed door that I express them.  My children have all heard the same thing from me and their teachers have as well.  I will support you if my child is in the wrong and I will support any discipline that is deemed necessary and know that if my child is in the right I will support them.  I am after all still a mother bear. 

All hope is not lost you can be a friend to your child just a responsible one.  Your friend wouldn't let you do something that could cause you harm without warning you, your Friend would tell you if they thought you were heading for trouble,  be that kind of friend, the responsible one.  The model of responsible friendship is identical to the model of responsible parenting.

Don't empower your child by treating him as your confidante. 

That said I am now best friends with my adult children now 32 and 29- at times they are even my confidante.  If I was there best friend when they were growing children they would not be a best friend now.  That would be tragic.  

I am still a mushy mom who loves to love on her kids.  I fiercely protect them, support them and they know each day they are loved but what they know just as much is that I demand respect, and if they are in trouble from their own actions  I am not their best friend, but I am the mom who loves them through it, even if it is tough love.

Thank you God for giving me 3 beautiful children to love, it is only right that I try to do my best with them for you.  I fail often, however I never fail to love them like only a mother, not a friend can do.